/ 1:29 AM

Damn. Received letters from all 3 universities already, and they were all rejection letters.. It's fine.. I take it in my stride.. I had told myself as early as a few months ago that I should not hold on to the false belief that a local university will definitely take me in.. And I did not.. Because I wanted to be honest with myself.. Holding onto such a belief may be deemed as 'hope' to others.. But it's my own character that made me see it differently.. Instead, I did not want to intentionally keep myself in the dark.. In some other instances, perhaps I'll like to try to cling onto some hope.. But not in this case..

Other than wanting to be honest with myself, I had not held onto expectations of getting accepted into a local uni perhaps also because I did not envision the whole uni path thingy to be lined with beautiful flowers, butterflies dancing around and all that.. It's a funny metaphor to use, but it just came into my mind.. So what I mean is just that I don't feel like I could embrace every bit about each of the local universities.. Not that I wouldn't grab the chance to enter the uni(s) (one's life is supposed to be easier so long as one can enter a uni! just like that! yah right, I really don't know what to believe actually. but anyway, back to my saying life is supposed to be easier after getting a uni degree, so why shouldn't I not want to enter a local uni right?)..

But this mention of -local- uni leads me to want to talk a bit about -foreign- uni.. Go to foreign uni may actually be better than a local one.. I'm not being purely biased against local education here, as you may think (and not totally without good reason).. But for this point here, I'm not being purely biased.. Because foreign uni may indeed be better, depending on individual needs.. More so if one wishes to explore opportunities in other countries.. But then comes the problem of money.. Studying overseas is costly.. My dad -may- be be willing and able to pay for me, but moving overseas itself is a problem too.. Parents will always view their kids as kids, and so, how will my dad feel assured that he can let me go? And I also wonder if I myself can cope.. Being BORN in Singapore from the very start actually becomes a problem.. Haha.. In this case, geographical boundaries is a problem, isn't it? Basic things like that can also become a problem.. Sometimes, life's limitations can be laughable.. Also, life's problems are often narrow-minded, in a sense.. Petty even.. It's up to oneself to look beyond their possible ridiculousness, and make the effort to undermine some of the limitations.. One can never eliminate them.. But one can try to undermine them..

Oh and, I haven't finished making my point with the line I said about not feeling I could embrace every bit about each of the local uni(s).. Not yet anyway.. I'm entitled to my doubts right.. Can't expect me to feel so jolly about entering a uni straightaway after graduating from a JC (Take Millennia as a type of JC in the context of my argument yeah).. What I mean is.. Again, I'm gonna mention about the 'smooth sailing life' or at least 'smooth sailing education path' elite students and all have been having.. I have talked over this with a friend once or twice before.. By 'smooth sailing education path', I refer to students who have gone into a good secondary school, then on to a good JC, then onto a good uni.. Even before taking the 'A' levels to qualify for uni, one can tell the student WILL get into uni.. That's how smooth their education path is.. But I'm not against such students or something.. No jealously on my part.. No sireee.. I hope my arguments here never contain any childishness like that.. I 'argue' about all this now also because I just have a need to talk now, fire away.. I had been fired up by news like the letters from the uni(s), news of University of New South Wales in Singapore closing too.. I'll come to that later..

So yeah, students who have a smooth educational path like that, I am not one of them anyway.. It's kinda unbelievable for those who manage to have such a smooth educational path for themselves.. Of course they deserve it though.. Their grades got them into the good schools, that I know.. But it still is unbelievable.. I guess, you have to have a sort of knack for the system.. Either you do well all the way in it, or you don't. And that's why stories in the papers about an 'N' level student who scores exceptionally well and gets into a JC are still rare.. But the newspapers have been reporting that neighbourhood school students are doing better right.. That might be good.. But back to the point, I am not one of those students who has a smooth educational path.. So how am I supposed to embrace the idea of uni right after finishing my pre-uni education? My place in uni is not even secure, far from being secure too! Time for uncertainties abound again.. Why should one feel uncertain about oneself for all these things always.. No wonder morale becomes a problem.. Morale in a school is important too, one can come to realize.. Wonder if neighbourhood schools have been doing better, coz the media and all tries not to emphasize on only the elite schools now? Like they haven't released school rankings in recent years right.. Or has the newspapers just been more actively looking for good scorers in neighbourhood schools? I wonder..

But talking about school morale, Millennia's morale is a no-no.. Bartley campus particularly.. And now our campus itself is going down to the ground too.. Haha.. Sigh.. But I am quite fond of our campus! I actually had a somewhat happier time, and a more eye-opening and worthwhile period of time in Millennia than in Dunman High..

Anyway, my brother had just said something cliched along the lines of "nowadays, don't have a degree how to survive?" He didn't mean for it to be a caustic comment, but sometimes I really think he should really find some other things to say.. Haiz.. Is his comment still presently very true? Ain't that crap! I always have the idea of studying 'just for a piece of paper'.. But I think of that to be cliched too.. So the arguments that I myself use, I also try not to have them be cliched.. But such a cliche.. Is it TRUE then? It's terrible for a cliche to be true.. If people disapprove of it, and talk about it until it sounds like a cliche.. Yet why is it still true? But now I'll look at the other side of things again, and acknowledge that the 'piece of paper' is proof of learning one has gained.. But, I'm not exactly being given a chance to show that the end is not what matters, but the process is what matters, yeah.. Before being able to try attending uni classes, I am already disqualified.. My score of CDD proves that I will not be able to do well in uni classes.. Isn't the CDD the grades for subjects taken in JC, and not uni? How can a little something prove everything?

And then, there is the news of UNSW closing the campus in Singapore.. Never heard of a campus being closed before due to lack of students signing up.. Furthermore it's a proper uni.. But in quite a few cases, I have been this 'lucky' one.. Unimaginable bad luck like this can befall on me.. Never heard before case of uni closing its campus can also happen.. Nevermind, I may be exaggerating.. But, UNSW could really have been an option! And now look.. Well, fine.. I can only stop all the unneccesary grumbling now (although this whole post has me grumbling ^^)..

But I just want to end off with saying that this can get quite tiring, you know? And you sometimes wonder if there's any point too.. I just want to confess that I've already had quite a number of uncertain waiting periods like these.. And even having to appeal too.. It's not a nice thing to do, you know? It can be considered as humiliating too.. Appealing into a particular school makes you feel like you have the status of merely, the one who 'cannot make it'.. But I have gone past that stage of feeling like that.. I thought so anyway.. Now I'm starting to wonder if such a feeling will come back.. But I wouldn't want to be like that anymore! Other people don't look up to oneself, it's still negligible.. Why would you want to look down on yourself? I was a wreck in Dunman High! A worm even! I may try to make it sound funny this way.. But, I certainly did not enjoy my time in secondary school, I can tell you that.. Well, I'll put it aside.. Now I'm 20 already.. I don't know how far I can make my confidence bring me..

I've already had quite a 'history' of appealing.. For PSLE, I did do pretty well.. Got into Dunman High, didn't I.. But guess what.. My mum suggested that I try entering RGS.. I missed the cutoff point by, I can't really remember, is it a mere one point? Or do I have my memories mixed up.. Maybe it was like, 5 points.. But that must have been all.. Maybe 10 points.. But no more.. My mother suggested appealing to RGS.. But I went to take a look around in Dunman High, and called home from there to tell my mum I think I wanted to just stick to Dunman High.. And then, my lower secondary years had actually been pretty much happy.. The two years after that were hell.. Me always feeling like shit.. The worse was.. I acted like so too.. I was soft-spoken, and cowardly in actions, and an ugly nerd and all that.. No kidding.. Only on some days, I felt good about myself, and was more active and vibrant.. I was a better scorer in English.. Nothing very much lar.. Dunman High was on other hand, chock-full of Chinese geniuses.. But I was still somewhat proud of my little ability to do English..

And till now, I still build on my grasp of English.. Love of the language is there.. Reading can save one from dying of boredom many a time.. Read too much is a no-no.. One has to get out there and take in some fresh air, get around and all.. But it certainly takes away some boredom.. So, like I've talked about in another previous blogpost, some of these things are inherent.. And I -know- that for these things, I -can- do well.. Everybody's different.. But again, not like I'm given a chance to strut my stuff.. So I will have to try to fight for it..

Then for the 'O' levels, I missed the cut-off point by a single point.. And again, I decided to just settle for Millennia.. I don't totally disapprove of the time I have spent in Millennia.. Millennia may not have given me the most assurity that I can enter a local uni, but I learnt quite a few other important things in Millennia.. But previously, my mum and dad had tried helping me to appeal.. Even got contact with MOE and all.. But I had just been in a daze then (still being the wreck I had been in Dunman High).. And didn't express to my parents then that it may not even be what I want.. And I got tired.. And I told my mum that Millennia would really also be fine.. Gave them so much trouble.. But my mum had never forced me.. And these are the things that should make me very mad about myself, when thinking about my mother.. But anyway my mother also said ok to my wish to just enter Millennia, just like how I had been allowed to just enter Dunman High (though definitely Dunman High is not as disappointing as Millennia)..

I gotta go sleep already.. All the tiring 'history' I had wanted to spill has been told.. I still got a little more to say.. Which is, encouragement to myself.. About what I'm going to do next, now that uni is a question.. I need to voice out resolve too, in hope that it can then work even more effectively.. But I gotta go now! And there, I have released a whole load of shit from my mind in this blogpost once again.. It's too long for words.. Haha.. How many of you out there can actually get from beginning to end, I wonder.. Haha.. See ya then

write about yourself here like how you lived through a crisis like the morrocian crisis. erps, have you studied about that before and about your test, how easy it is and how much confidence you have to pass and get all A1s for all subjects, add in your own wish here, and what you would do if target is not reached, like slash your wrist, eat many many painkiller pills at one shot and die. lol it's suicidal thoughts. stay away from that. but you need to enter a reality, everyone's doing that- it's the trend, so why not follow it. unless you want to be an odd one out. cause slashing wrist is soo common in girls school not in boys school. boys suicide, just like die gracefully from 30th storey, just look on the bright side, maybe you have lived in a lie too long and so you have found out the turth now, just think. optimist wins. you have entered into a world of reality



We know life's hard, truth is hard, lies are hard, they are all hard to accept when they have been found out, and i'm rushing history homework on the Abyissian Crisis about Italy and Abyssia going into war and that the League Of Nations cannot stop this from happening, and beacuse they are formed by means to stop war and peace-keep the countries together, they have thus failed to achieve that. I think i tend to hold a class for history instead of telling you about me, i'm basically a what subject-realted lover (humanities) and thus I am more analytical and critical about things, and likes to study about dead people, haha. lol. it's history what can you expect and also geography, it amazes me. I really like it alot, so what have you? Again to find this answer you need to enter into your own reality and reflect




it's amazing. amzing how people change the way of things, like how I used to hate outdoors in Band felt it was a complete waste of time, i've acquired to like it more, i guess people change, their thereotical means and applications in life just goes on into a new direction, and see things in another perspective, i guess- it's all in the mind. It really amazes me how these comes into action, from someone so pessimistic has changed his own view of things, and thus my friend is scoring much better, being more optimisitc and not think of his old way of suicidal thoughts, which are pretty daunting. and thus we need to see things, in another light, another perspective and another new way, to enable us to open up our minds, and make more new things, the new way it is. done with the old back with the new

i've hiatus-ed.

/ 1:29 AM

Damn. Received letters from all 3 universities already, and they were all rejection letters.. It's fine.. I take it in my stride.. I had told myself as early as a few months ago that I should not hold on to the false belief that a local university will definitely take me in.. And I did not.. Because I wanted to be honest with myself.. Holding onto such a belief may be deemed as 'hope' to others.. But it's my own character that made me see it differently.. Instead, I did not want to intentionally keep myself in the dark.. In some other instances, perhaps I'll like to try to cling onto some hope.. But not in this case..

Other than wanting to be honest with myself, I had not held onto expectations of getting accepted into a local uni perhaps also because I did not envision the whole uni path thingy to be lined with beautiful flowers, butterflies dancing around and all that.. It's a funny metaphor to use, but it just came into my mind.. So what I mean is just that I don't feel like I could embrace every bit about each of the local universities.. Not that I wouldn't grab the chance to enter the uni(s) (one's life is supposed to be easier so long as one can enter a uni! just like that! yah right, I really don't know what to believe actually. but anyway, back to my saying life is supposed to be easier after getting a uni degree, so why shouldn't I not want to enter a local uni right?)..

But this mention of -local- uni leads me to want to talk a bit about -foreign- uni.. Go to foreign uni may actually be better than a local one.. I'm not being purely biased against local education here, as you may think (and not totally without good reason).. But for this point here, I'm not being purely biased.. Because foreign uni may indeed be better, depending on individual needs.. More so if one wishes to explore opportunities in other countries.. But then comes the problem of money.. Studying overseas is costly.. My dad -may- be be willing and able to pay for me, but moving overseas itself is a problem too.. Parents will always view their kids as kids, and so, how will my dad feel assured that he can let me go? And I also wonder if I myself can cope.. Being BORN in Singapore from the very start actually becomes a problem.. Haha.. In this case, geographical boundaries is a problem, isn't it? Basic things like that can also become a problem.. Sometimes, life's limitations can be laughable.. Also, life's problems are often narrow-minded, in a sense.. Petty even.. It's up to oneself to look beyond their possible ridiculousness, and make the effort to undermine some of the limitations.. One can never eliminate them.. But one can try to undermine them..

Oh and, I haven't finished making my point with the line I said about not feeling I could embrace every bit about each of the local uni(s).. Not yet anyway.. I'm entitled to my doubts right.. Can't expect me to feel so jolly about entering a uni straightaway after graduating from a JC (Take Millennia as a type of JC in the context of my argument yeah).. What I mean is.. Again, I'm gonna mention about the 'smooth sailing life' or at least 'smooth sailing education path' elite students and all have been having.. I have talked over this with a friend once or twice before.. By 'smooth sailing education path', I refer to students who have gone into a good secondary school, then on to a good JC, then onto a good uni.. Even before taking the 'A' levels to qualify for uni, one can tell the student WILL get into uni.. That's how smooth their education path is.. But I'm not against such students or something.. No jealously on my part.. No sireee.. I hope my arguments here never contain any childishness like that.. I 'argue' about all this now also because I just have a need to talk now, fire away.. I had been fired up by news like the letters from the uni(s), news of University of New South Wales in Singapore closing too.. I'll come to that later..

So yeah, students who have a smooth educational path like that, I am not one of them anyway.. It's kinda unbelievable for those who manage to have such a smooth educational path for themselves.. Of course they deserve it though.. Their grades got them into the good schools, that I know.. But it still is unbelievable.. I guess, you have to have a sort of knack for the system.. Either you do well all the way in it, or you don't. And that's why stories in the papers about an 'N' level student who scores exceptionally well and gets into a JC are still rare.. But the newspapers have been reporting that neighbourhood school students are doing better right.. That might be good.. But back to the point, I am not one of those students who has a smooth educational path.. So how am I supposed to embrace the idea of uni right after finishing my pre-uni education? My place in uni is not even secure, far from being secure too! Time for uncertainties abound again.. Why should one feel uncertain about oneself for all these things always.. No wonder morale becomes a problem.. Morale in a school is important too, one can come to realize.. Wonder if neighbourhood schools have been doing better, coz the media and all tries not to emphasize on only the elite schools now? Like they haven't released school rankings in recent years right.. Or has the newspapers just been more actively looking for good scorers in neighbourhood schools? I wonder..

But talking about school morale, Millennia's morale is a no-no.. Bartley campus particularly.. And now our campus itself is going down to the ground too.. Haha.. Sigh.. But I am quite fond of our campus! I actually had a somewhat happier time, and a more eye-opening and worthwhile period of time in Millennia than in Dunman High..

Anyway, my brother had just said something cliched along the lines of "nowadays, don't have a degree how to survive?" He didn't mean for it to be a caustic comment, but sometimes I really think he should really find some other things to say.. Haiz.. Is his comment still presently very true? Ain't that crap! I always have the idea of studying 'just for a piece of paper'.. But I think of that to be cliched too.. So the arguments that I myself use, I also try not to have them be cliched.. But such a cliche.. Is it TRUE then? It's terrible for a cliche to be true.. If people disapprove of it, and talk about it until it sounds like a cliche.. Yet why is it still true? But now I'll look at the other side of things again, and acknowledge that the 'piece of paper' is proof of learning one has gained.. But, I'm not exactly being given a chance to show that the end is not what matters, but the process is what matters, yeah.. Before being able to try attending uni classes, I am already disqualified.. My score of CDD proves that I will not be able to do well in uni classes.. Isn't the CDD the grades for subjects taken in JC, and not uni? How can a little something prove everything?

And then, there is the news of UNSW closing the campus in Singapore.. Never heard of a campus being closed before due to lack of students signing up.. Furthermore it's a proper uni.. But in quite a few cases, I have been this 'lucky' one.. Unimaginable bad luck like this can befall on me.. Never heard before case of uni closing its campus can also happen.. Nevermind, I may be exaggerating.. But, UNSW could really have been an option! And now look.. Well, fine.. I can only stop all the unneccesary grumbling now (although this whole post has me grumbling ^^)..

But I just want to end off with saying that this can get quite tiring, you know? And you sometimes wonder if there's any point too.. I just want to confess that I've already had quite a number of uncertain waiting periods like these.. And even having to appeal too.. It's not a nice thing to do, you know? It can be considered as humiliating too.. Appealing into a particular school makes you feel like you have the status of merely, the one who 'cannot make it'.. But I have gone past that stage of feeling like that.. I thought so anyway.. Now I'm starting to wonder if such a feeling will come back.. But I wouldn't want to be like that anymore! Other people don't look up to oneself, it's still negligible.. Why would you want to look down on yourself? I was a wreck in Dunman High! A worm even! I may try to make it sound funny this way.. But, I certainly did not enjoy my time in secondary school, I can tell you that.. Well, I'll put it aside.. Now I'm 20 already.. I don't know how far I can make my confidence bring me..

I've already had quite a 'history' of appealing.. For PSLE, I did do pretty well.. Got into Dunman High, didn't I.. But guess what.. My mum suggested that I try entering RGS.. I missed the cutoff point by, I can't really remember, is it a mere one point? Or do I have my memories mixed up.. Maybe it was like, 5 points.. But that must have been all.. Maybe 10 points.. But no more.. My mother suggested appealing to RGS.. But I went to take a look around in Dunman High, and called home from there to tell my mum I think I wanted to just stick to Dunman High.. And then, my lower secondary years had actually been pretty much happy.. The two years after that were hell.. Me always feeling like shit.. The worse was.. I acted like so too.. I was soft-spoken, and cowardly in actions, and an ugly nerd and all that.. No kidding.. Only on some days, I felt good about myself, and was more active and vibrant.. I was a better scorer in English.. Nothing very much lar.. Dunman High was on other hand, chock-full of Chinese geniuses.. But I was still somewhat proud of my little ability to do English..

And till now, I still build on my grasp of English.. Love of the language is there.. Reading can save one from dying of boredom many a time.. Read too much is a no-no.. One has to get out there and take in some fresh air, get around and all.. But it certainly takes away some boredom.. So, like I've talked about in another previous blogpost, some of these things are inherent.. And I -know- that for these things, I -can- do well.. Everybody's different.. But again, not like I'm given a chance to strut my stuff.. So I will have to try to fight for it..

Then for the 'O' levels, I missed the cut-off point by a single point.. And again, I decided to just settle for Millennia.. I don't totally disapprove of the time I have spent in Millennia.. Millennia may not have given me the most assurity that I can enter a local uni, but I learnt quite a few other important things in Millennia.. But previously, my mum and dad had tried helping me to appeal.. Even got contact with MOE and all.. But I had just been in a daze then (still being the wreck I had been in Dunman High).. And didn't express to my parents then that it may not even be what I want.. And I got tired.. And I told my mum that Millennia would really also be fine.. Gave them so much trouble.. But my mum had never forced me.. And these are the things that should make me very mad about myself, when thinking about my mother.. But anyway my mother also said ok to my wish to just enter Millennia, just like how I had been allowed to just enter Dunman High (though definitely Dunman High is not as disappointing as Millennia)..

I gotta go sleep already.. All the tiring 'history' I had wanted to spill has been told.. I still got a little more to say.. Which is, encouragement to myself.. About what I'm going to do next, now that uni is a question.. I need to voice out resolve too, in hope that it can then work even more effectively.. But I gotta go now! And there, I have released a whole load of shit from my mind in this blogpost once again.. It's too long for words.. Haha.. How many of you out there can actually get from beginning to end, I wonder.. Haha.. See ya then