/ 12:48 PM

Another long Sunday afternoon. My dad, my brother and me. All three of us at home, but we don't say much to each other. On days like this, my boredom is heightened such that I can actually feel its presence within.. Like how we can really feel it, when we have a 'heavy heart' and things like that.. Anyway, I dislike this feeling the most.. The feeling of boredom-cum-exasperation-cum-desperation..

But the afternoon is past already anyway.. So I shall not continue in this mood.. My dad has also turned on the tv again.. I can withdraw from this mood now.. So it really can be this easy for me to stop being moody? I mentioned something along this line in a previous blog post.. So do I have mood swings or what.. I wouldn't like to think so.. If all these are just about my unreasonable mood swings, then I make so much out of it for what.. As in, out of issues such as my feeling so bored at home to the extent of desperation.. But such afternoons at home have really been so quiet and dull! And coz there's no school for now, there have been more of such afternoons! Boredom in this period of time is undeniable and also inevitable.. I used to step out of the house almost everyday, because I still needed to go to school now and then.. Now, I can't possibly find places to go to each and every day..

But whether I go out or not, what exactly am I doing with my time?!? Why are there breaks like these?? Having to wait to enter yet another school.. University is still a school, isn't it.. Time is being wasted! My life is being wasted! Because I'm not accomplishing anything, well, solid.. If it can be put that way.. But I just don't like this to happen.. I might try to make use of this period of time to think properly about the next path to take.. I sometimes think I am actually occupying my time fairly well, in other words, quite productively.. I read more.. (Not all shallow stuff, I give you my word ^^) Watch movies as usual.. And they're not all shallow movies either yeah.. But though books and movies seem like they will always be able to occupy one's time, since there are so many different books and movies, they have increasingly been failing to suppress my boredom in this period of time.. I have been skipping paragraphs, and whole pages too, of novels which I could have sworn I have interest in.. I have not only been getting bored.. But also impatient.. And then again, desperate.. Sigh.. But it's ok.. I'm saying all this now with a relatively light heart.. But there are those 'moments of darkness' of course, which are to be viewed as a matter of course in fact, and I'm just trying to talk about them..

When I said I have been skipping paragraphs in novels I could have sworn I have interest in, in other words, maybe I really should just say.. I don't know what I'm doing.. Haha.. Sigh. Does everything boil down to that eventually? (Or really, perhaps I should say, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing - which is really nothing. Ahaha I'm just trying to be funny, just babbling. That's why this informal babble is in a bracket. You can forget about it =S) I have even been asking myself the 'BIG' questions.. Like, who can say what ought to be what (as in, how things in the world should run) when we all came to this world, not knowing what should be what.. There's no context at all.. This must be why some religious people really go all out for their religion.. 'Cause they feel that nothing is more worth knowing than the very reason we're in this world in the first place..

And let's track back a little again.. I had said, I don't know what I'm doing in this period of time.. And it's because I feel that all that I'm doing up till now has had no effect on anything.. Like I had said, 'solid' accomplishment.. One can prove nothing with the studying.. Another 'BIG' question I've been considering.. Once the life we have here on earth ends, one takes nothing along right? So to hell with all those material things.. Not literally yeah.. XD So I can't just keep studying, and do like some of those people, to go on to studying for an MBA or something.. Of course, such high certification prove that they definitely have got some intelligence of their own.. But it's not something I would do.. I don't need all the certification.. Don't get me wrong, I will be going on to say that I really think that I need to get into a university.. But I said the above, meaning to express that I don't need so much of the material things in this life, instead I wish to feel the feelings that emphasize on my being alive.. Sense of purpose and all.. Sounds familiar right..

Anyway I do think I need to get into a university.. But none of the local universities have called me up for an interview.. I scored a CDD.. Not the worst, but not among the best at all either.. Suay arh.. One could think of it as simply as that, and it may not be all wrong either.. Things just happen to be this way sometimes.. Our year had more students, isn't it? I wonder how much such a mere statistical factor had lowered our chances.. With my CDD, I really don't deserve to go to any of the universities is it.. Jeez.. But actually, so far I have only had in my mind the wish to enter NTU.. I am not partial towards NUS and SMU, for personal reasons.. I kinda foresee I wouldn't develop myself the way I want to there.. But I really wouldn't know huh? But I'm entitled to carry my gut feeling(which is not all based on intuition, but I did go for NUS openhouse, asked the SMU representative questions and all).. So I also wonder, so what if I got called up for their interviews.. I would have my doubts and apprehensions.. But the thing is.. I can't afford to not jump at the chance of going to NUS either.. (SMU social science programme is new, so must understand that I doubt it with good reason? So, left with NUS, I will still have to jump at any chance of going to NUS) Yet it's not like they're calling me up for an interview at all.. How shity is that..

I feel like ending off this blog post already.. It's getting late.. I've been open-minded with regards to education, with all my thinking thoughts like 'Who can say what ought to be what' and etc.. Tests need to be adequate enough in all aspects in order to examine man's varied abilities.. We're all capable in our own way.. Can a piece of paper certification ever say enough about a man's abilities? It's the experience on the job that counts.. Gathering hands-on experience may be the more important thing.. I wonder what experience I can go on to seek? I quit my job at Borders already.. On to do other things! If I can find some other not bad work to do, I will go do now.. Hope to find it quickly.. Doesn't have to be a job per se, I've been emailing the Necessary Stage again.. Raintree Pictures still don't need people =( They don't ever take volunteers lah..

But I think I will want to go on to the university.. The university stage is still necessary.. The high levels of Master's degree and all, I think we should all just take it easy eh? But that's for me to say.. I don't wish to enter the business world, so it's not so necessary for me to fight it out in terms of obtaining higher and higher degrees.. Right? Hmm, everything I say on my blog is more or less open for discussion.. But I don't even have a tag board.. Still, a tag board wouldn't serve the purpose.. Aiya, no time lah! I blog already take quite long, don't want to discuss anymore. Haha.. But I don't ever mean to sound like a know-it-all on my blog anyway.. I'm careful to moderate myself, to never turn into a know-it-all, because that can be dangerous..

And so, I had said I think I will still want to go to the university.. Cos even though I have always expressed disapproval with the 'O' Level and 'A' Level system and all, I would have needed them to develop my mind into a thinking machine.. I don't care for the content that the 'O' and 'A' Level systems test us on, but at least they got my mind running.. Otherwise I'll still have the mind of a little kid or something.. Get the idea? Yet, the reason I rail at the 'O' and 'A' Level system is because the content they test us on, made me do badly.. And I then have to struggle harder.. The content killed my natural drive.. So I performed below the standards of my natural capability.. Lol.. Am I just boasting or what? I don't know, I wouldn't be able to know myself how true the above is. I still keep wishing for better environments.. When will be the time I will be in places where I can be at my best? I myself will have to keep going to find out..

MOE thinks we should learn contrasting subjects even so they are like a safety net or something? Luckily I was not suay enough to have to take contrasting subjects.. But in secondary school, took a whole bunch (like, I kinda forgot, 8 subjects?) without knowing why I was studying them.. But if students are to take a variety of subjects when young, should really lessen the workload! So we actually study less, and think more.. Thinking needs to be more free reign.. And let students do less work for the subjects they don't feel as partial to, and do more for the subjects they have great interest in.. It'll be quite complicated to implement.. But it's ever so important.. I have been 'killed' in my life as a student.. Now, still got the question of university to contend with..

I think I still need to enter the university.. Now the University of New South Wales will be having a campus in Singapore.. That's an option, but I will save lots more money should I be able to enter a local uni.. But maybe I will be left with the option of the UNSW.. If I should have to seriously consider the UNSW, must find out more about their education.. Hopefully it will suit me.. Hope I don't burn too big a hole in my father's pocket also leh.. The UNSW campus in Singapore is an option coz I don't have to go overseas.. Will I be able to cope going overseas right now? So embarrassed to say, but it will be hard for me to cope sia.. The arrangements that have to be made.. Will I be up to it? But I have always thought of developing myself overseas.. That, I'm like, set on it.. So, when will it be then? If I'm doubtful of my going overseas now, then when.. YAH! WHEN? This is something I have only thought of now as I blog! Am I going to wait until I'm pretty much an old woman already then go overseas? My doubt will just increase, and I may just give up the idea altogether! Why shouldn't I aim to go overseas earlier? Youth matters.. The feeling of youth itself is precious.. One shouldn't delay plans.. Do I dare to make my plans now.. May God give me strength and courage.. I should think about it.. I should try to make plans, do things of significance.. And not waste this damn boring and damn blank 'break' period while I'm at it..

Everything gets harder while we get older.. Everyday gets harder even.. I will be putting up more of Switchfoot's songs.. Lol.. I actually bought a CD of theirs.. Some of their songs have too heavy rock music for my liking.. But the feel of those other songs I like better is deep.. The lead singer has got a deep, feeling voice.. And some of the lyrics bring out the message that goes along right with the feel of the music.. Deep also.. Don't really know how to say why I kinda like this band.. But they just go deep.. Haha.. That's crappy.. I'm not into all that heavy rock, coz I don't like rock music just coz I'm a depressive.. But I like rock music that jolts me, and puts me into modes of angst and deep thinking or something =]

write about yourself here like how you lived through a crisis like the morrocian crisis. erps, have you studied about that before and about your test, how easy it is and how much confidence you have to pass and get all A1s for all subjects, add in your own wish here, and what you would do if target is not reached, like slash your wrist, eat many many painkiller pills at one shot and die. lol it's suicidal thoughts. stay away from that. but you need to enter a reality, everyone's doing that- it's the trend, so why not follow it. unless you want to be an odd one out. cause slashing wrist is soo common in girls school not in boys school. boys suicide, just like die gracefully from 30th storey, just look on the bright side, maybe you have lived in a lie too long and so you have found out the turth now, just think. optimist wins. you have entered into a world of reality



We know life's hard, truth is hard, lies are hard, they are all hard to accept when they have been found out, and i'm rushing history homework on the Abyissian Crisis about Italy and Abyssia going into war and that the League Of Nations cannot stop this from happening, and beacuse they are formed by means to stop war and peace-keep the countries together, they have thus failed to achieve that. I think i tend to hold a class for history instead of telling you about me, i'm basically a what subject-realted lover (humanities) and thus I am more analytical and critical about things, and likes to study about dead people, haha. lol. it's history what can you expect and also geography, it amazes me. I really like it alot, so what have you? Again to find this answer you need to enter into your own reality and reflect




it's amazing. amzing how people change the way of things, like how I used to hate outdoors in Band felt it was a complete waste of time, i've acquired to like it more, i guess people change, their thereotical means and applications in life just goes on into a new direction, and see things in another perspective, i guess- it's all in the mind. It really amazes me how these comes into action, from someone so pessimistic has changed his own view of things, and thus my friend is scoring much better, being more optimisitc and not think of his old way of suicidal thoughts, which are pretty daunting. and thus we need to see things, in another light, another perspective and another new way, to enable us to open up our minds, and make more new things, the new way it is. done with the old back with the new

i've hiatus-ed.

/ 12:48 PM

Another long Sunday afternoon. My dad, my brother and me. All three of us at home, but we don't say much to each other. On days like this, my boredom is heightened such that I can actually feel its presence within.. Like how we can really feel it, when we have a 'heavy heart' and things like that.. Anyway, I dislike this feeling the most.. The feeling of boredom-cum-exasperation-cum-desperation..

But the afternoon is past already anyway.. So I shall not continue in this mood.. My dad has also turned on the tv again.. I can withdraw from this mood now.. So it really can be this easy for me to stop being moody? I mentioned something along this line in a previous blog post.. So do I have mood swings or what.. I wouldn't like to think so.. If all these are just about my unreasonable mood swings, then I make so much out of it for what.. As in, out of issues such as my feeling so bored at home to the extent of desperation.. But such afternoons at home have really been so quiet and dull! And coz there's no school for now, there have been more of such afternoons! Boredom in this period of time is undeniable and also inevitable.. I used to step out of the house almost everyday, because I still needed to go to school now and then.. Now, I can't possibly find places to go to each and every day..

But whether I go out or not, what exactly am I doing with my time?!? Why are there breaks like these?? Having to wait to enter yet another school.. University is still a school, isn't it.. Time is being wasted! My life is being wasted! Because I'm not accomplishing anything, well, solid.. If it can be put that way.. But I just don't like this to happen.. I might try to make use of this period of time to think properly about the next path to take.. I sometimes think I am actually occupying my time fairly well, in other words, quite productively.. I read more.. (Not all shallow stuff, I give you my word ^^) Watch movies as usual.. And they're not all shallow movies either yeah.. But though books and movies seem like they will always be able to occupy one's time, since there are so many different books and movies, they have increasingly been failing to suppress my boredom in this period of time.. I have been skipping paragraphs, and whole pages too, of novels which I could have sworn I have interest in.. I have not only been getting bored.. But also impatient.. And then again, desperate.. Sigh.. But it's ok.. I'm saying all this now with a relatively light heart.. But there are those 'moments of darkness' of course, which are to be viewed as a matter of course in fact, and I'm just trying to talk about them..

When I said I have been skipping paragraphs in novels I could have sworn I have interest in, in other words, maybe I really should just say.. I don't know what I'm doing.. Haha.. Sigh. Does everything boil down to that eventually? (Or really, perhaps I should say, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing - which is really nothing. Ahaha I'm just trying to be funny, just babbling. That's why this informal babble is in a bracket. You can forget about it =S) I have even been asking myself the 'BIG' questions.. Like, who can say what ought to be what (as in, how things in the world should run) when we all came to this world, not knowing what should be what.. There's no context at all.. This must be why some religious people really go all out for their religion.. 'Cause they feel that nothing is more worth knowing than the very reason we're in this world in the first place..

And let's track back a little again.. I had said, I don't know what I'm doing in this period of time.. And it's because I feel that all that I'm doing up till now has had no effect on anything.. Like I had said, 'solid' accomplishment.. One can prove nothing with the studying.. Another 'BIG' question I've been considering.. Once the life we have here on earth ends, one takes nothing along right? So to hell with all those material things.. Not literally yeah.. XD So I can't just keep studying, and do like some of those people, to go on to studying for an MBA or something.. Of course, such high certification prove that they definitely have got some intelligence of their own.. But it's not something I would do.. I don't need all the certification.. Don't get me wrong, I will be going on to say that I really think that I need to get into a university.. But I said the above, meaning to express that I don't need so much of the material things in this life, instead I wish to feel the feelings that emphasize on my being alive.. Sense of purpose and all.. Sounds familiar right..

Anyway I do think I need to get into a university.. But none of the local universities have called me up for an interview.. I scored a CDD.. Not the worst, but not among the best at all either.. Suay arh.. One could think of it as simply as that, and it may not be all wrong either.. Things just happen to be this way sometimes.. Our year had more students, isn't it? I wonder how much such a mere statistical factor had lowered our chances.. With my CDD, I really don't deserve to go to any of the universities is it.. Jeez.. But actually, so far I have only had in my mind the wish to enter NTU.. I am not partial towards NUS and SMU, for personal reasons.. I kinda foresee I wouldn't develop myself the way I want to there.. But I really wouldn't know huh? But I'm entitled to carry my gut feeling(which is not all based on intuition, but I did go for NUS openhouse, asked the SMU representative questions and all).. So I also wonder, so what if I got called up for their interviews.. I would have my doubts and apprehensions.. But the thing is.. I can't afford to not jump at the chance of going to NUS either.. (SMU social science programme is new, so must understand that I doubt it with good reason? So, left with NUS, I will still have to jump at any chance of going to NUS) Yet it's not like they're calling me up for an interview at all.. How shity is that..

I feel like ending off this blog post already.. It's getting late.. I've been open-minded with regards to education, with all my thinking thoughts like 'Who can say what ought to be what' and etc.. Tests need to be adequate enough in all aspects in order to examine man's varied abilities.. We're all capable in our own way.. Can a piece of paper certification ever say enough about a man's abilities? It's the experience on the job that counts.. Gathering hands-on experience may be the more important thing.. I wonder what experience I can go on to seek? I quit my job at Borders already.. On to do other things! If I can find some other not bad work to do, I will go do now.. Hope to find it quickly.. Doesn't have to be a job per se, I've been emailing the Necessary Stage again.. Raintree Pictures still don't need people =( They don't ever take volunteers lah..

But I think I will want to go on to the university.. The university stage is still necessary.. The high levels of Master's degree and all, I think we should all just take it easy eh? But that's for me to say.. I don't wish to enter the business world, so it's not so necessary for me to fight it out in terms of obtaining higher and higher degrees.. Right? Hmm, everything I say on my blog is more or less open for discussion.. But I don't even have a tag board.. Still, a tag board wouldn't serve the purpose.. Aiya, no time lah! I blog already take quite long, don't want to discuss anymore. Haha.. But I don't ever mean to sound like a know-it-all on my blog anyway.. I'm careful to moderate myself, to never turn into a know-it-all, because that can be dangerous..

And so, I had said I think I will still want to go to the university.. Cos even though I have always expressed disapproval with the 'O' Level and 'A' Level system and all, I would have needed them to develop my mind into a thinking machine.. I don't care for the content that the 'O' and 'A' Level systems test us on, but at least they got my mind running.. Otherwise I'll still have the mind of a little kid or something.. Get the idea? Yet, the reason I rail at the 'O' and 'A' Level system is because the content they test us on, made me do badly.. And I then have to struggle harder.. The content killed my natural drive.. So I performed below the standards of my natural capability.. Lol.. Am I just boasting or what? I don't know, I wouldn't be able to know myself how true the above is. I still keep wishing for better environments.. When will be the time I will be in places where I can be at my best? I myself will have to keep going to find out..

MOE thinks we should learn contrasting subjects even so they are like a safety net or something? Luckily I was not suay enough to have to take contrasting subjects.. But in secondary school, took a whole bunch (like, I kinda forgot, 8 subjects?) without knowing why I was studying them.. But if students are to take a variety of subjects when young, should really lessen the workload! So we actually study less, and think more.. Thinking needs to be more free reign.. And let students do less work for the subjects they don't feel as partial to, and do more for the subjects they have great interest in.. It'll be quite complicated to implement.. But it's ever so important.. I have been 'killed' in my life as a student.. Now, still got the question of university to contend with..

I think I still need to enter the university.. Now the University of New South Wales will be having a campus in Singapore.. That's an option, but I will save lots more money should I be able to enter a local uni.. But maybe I will be left with the option of the UNSW.. If I should have to seriously consider the UNSW, must find out more about their education.. Hopefully it will suit me.. Hope I don't burn too big a hole in my father's pocket also leh.. The UNSW campus in Singapore is an option coz I don't have to go overseas.. Will I be able to cope going overseas right now? So embarrassed to say, but it will be hard for me to cope sia.. The arrangements that have to be made.. Will I be up to it? But I have always thought of developing myself overseas.. That, I'm like, set on it.. So, when will it be then? If I'm doubtful of my going overseas now, then when.. YAH! WHEN? This is something I have only thought of now as I blog! Am I going to wait until I'm pretty much an old woman already then go overseas? My doubt will just increase, and I may just give up the idea altogether! Why shouldn't I aim to go overseas earlier? Youth matters.. The feeling of youth itself is precious.. One shouldn't delay plans.. Do I dare to make my plans now.. May God give me strength and courage.. I should think about it.. I should try to make plans, do things of significance.. And not waste this damn boring and damn blank 'break' period while I'm at it..

Everything gets harder while we get older.. Everyday gets harder even.. I will be putting up more of Switchfoot's songs.. Lol.. I actually bought a CD of theirs.. Some of their songs have too heavy rock music for my liking.. But the feel of those other songs I like better is deep.. The lead singer has got a deep, feeling voice.. And some of the lyrics bring out the message that goes along right with the feel of the music.. Deep also.. Don't really know how to say why I kinda like this band.. But they just go deep.. Haha.. That's crappy.. I'm not into all that heavy rock, coz I don't like rock music just coz I'm a depressive.. But I like rock music that jolts me, and puts me into modes of angst and deep thinking or something =]