/ 6:02 PM

My apologies I haven't been blogging for what seems like a very long time! It truly is a long time, considering my frequency of blogging previously right.. Anyway it's because my computer is screwed up after my moving house.. Then my brother says he can only help me to fix it after his important exams end in like, APRIL.. Can die arh, so long to go.. I'm using the laptop now though.. But the connection isn't always reliable either..

Anyway, here I am again, knowing I feel like blogging, but unsure of how my blog post will develop.. The internet connection only got established just now, so I couldn't have started blogging earlier.. And then now it's almost dinnertime, so I will have to stop blogging soon.. Again need to rush through this blog post.. It's like a challenge almost every time I blog.. Haha

Today I have an off day from work.. And I stayed at home.. One whole day at home only, also difficult to tahan for someone like me.. And earlier, I was getting into this darker mood again.. Lost it somewhat now.. Wonder if it can come back, coz I had thought of things I wanted to get down while wallowing in that mood..

Hmm.. Well, first things first, I was brooding most of the afternoon because I was stuck at home.. And I was stuck at home because, well, I wasn't going out lah. 'Duh' right.. Haha.. But it is often simple as that can.. We can be moody over the simplest of problems, or even for no reason at all. And this ambiguity can go one step further, such that we know how we can try to get out of that dark mood, but we don't actually do it. And thus, I had used the phrase above, 'wallowing in that mood'..

Quote from movie, "Closer", goes like this: Depressives want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

With regards to the earlier sentence I said, "we can be moody over the simplest of problems, or even for no reason at all", when I asked my brother to help me fix the internet connection on the laptop for the first time, already he went "fuck". Not to me lah, but it was for voicing his frustration. It's because of his school work, I believe. He's about to graduate from NUS, and the last year is important, having to write thesis and all. Second time I asked him to help coz the connection broke off, he again went "fuck". Not once will the word not escape his mouth one leh! He can be so easily frustrated.. The frustration is like in-build already.. Studied so many years already, he has got a good academic record somemore.. How come when it comes to simple things like this, he can actually be so irrational one.. Jeez.. I hope going to uni doesn't screw me up like that.. Lolx.. I don't really mean that lah.. My bro is just the way he is.. Naturally a little frustrated in character.. Which is not how I am like, or is how I prefer to try not to be like.. Thus I can't bounce thoughts in the day and such off him.. No two-way chats or anything.. I feel like I want to be more talkative one.. But don't have outlet for expression.. Haha, sigh.. I think this constitutes some of my need to blog..

But I always still want to talk about my bro or my dad, though sometimes it is really so sian at home.. Yes, I'm using the term 'sian' once again.. Don't need to delve too much into things all the time, just being 'sian' rings true for me.. No need to overdo it by saying I'm 'miserable', 'sucidal' or what.. Haha.. 'Sian' expresses that I don't always feel actively happy about life, but neither am I sinking into the depths of chronic depression..XD And the point above still is such that, I will still want to talk about my bro or my dad.. They mean something in my life, don't they.. I'm STUCK with them ever since I was born! Lol

And speaking of my being born, I just turned twenty, which seems a bit hard to live up to! Twenty is like your first big round number, in terms of age. Nineteen years still seem fine, because it starts with the digit '1' afterall, and nothing goes below 1 in terms of years. So it's like, when you're 11 to 19 years old, you can still feel like you're not getting much older. This is not the case on turning 20.. I wonder a little about what have I experienced in all these 20 years of my life, that can -justify- my being 20.. Not much done sia.. Still studying.. Yeah, still -just- studying.. Hard to believe why this has to be so..

I need to off the laptop soon already.. Can't heat the thing up too much.. This post is not well developed leh.. I had also wanted to say things like how I sometimes don't extract myself out of my dark mood though I know I could if I were active about it.. I guess I'm not active that way, and more.. Meaning, this may be why I'm not the active party-animal kind, nor the social butterfly kind.. And I'm not pro in keeping social conversations rolling, maybe because - I'm accustomed to silence at home.

Yeah well, why do I make so much out of such issues.. Are they important, or are they not.. I may continue this train of thought next time.. Or perhaps I'll find out how to put up some quite cool pics I took with my new camera and new handphone..^o^ I need new music also sia.. Stupid computer system being down has made me unable to get new music for some time..

Forgot to add in the above relevant paragraph.. My bro still got the internet connection working for me in the end lah.. Which is why I'm blogging at all now.. His way of doing things is like that lor.. So easily frustrated, then makes me pissed also, but after that he will get whatever thing done in his wordless manner and seem somewhat good to me.. So complicated =S

write about yourself here like how you lived through a crisis like the morrocian crisis. erps, have you studied about that before and about your test, how easy it is and how much confidence you have to pass and get all A1s for all subjects, add in your own wish here, and what you would do if target is not reached, like slash your wrist, eat many many painkiller pills at one shot and die. lol it's suicidal thoughts. stay away from that. but you need to enter a reality, everyone's doing that- it's the trend, so why not follow it. unless you want to be an odd one out. cause slashing wrist is soo common in girls school not in boys school. boys suicide, just like die gracefully from 30th storey, just look on the bright side, maybe you have lived in a lie too long and so you have found out the turth now, just think. optimist wins. you have entered into a world of reality



We know life's hard, truth is hard, lies are hard, they are all hard to accept when they have been found out, and i'm rushing history homework on the Abyissian Crisis about Italy and Abyssia going into war and that the League Of Nations cannot stop this from happening, and beacuse they are formed by means to stop war and peace-keep the countries together, they have thus failed to achieve that. I think i tend to hold a class for history instead of telling you about me, i'm basically a what subject-realted lover (humanities) and thus I am more analytical and critical about things, and likes to study about dead people, haha. lol. it's history what can you expect and also geography, it amazes me. I really like it alot, so what have you? Again to find this answer you need to enter into your own reality and reflect




it's amazing. amzing how people change the way of things, like how I used to hate outdoors in Band felt it was a complete waste of time, i've acquired to like it more, i guess people change, their thereotical means and applications in life just goes on into a new direction, and see things in another perspective, i guess- it's all in the mind. It really amazes me how these comes into action, from someone so pessimistic has changed his own view of things, and thus my friend is scoring much better, being more optimisitc and not think of his old way of suicidal thoughts, which are pretty daunting. and thus we need to see things, in another light, another perspective and another new way, to enable us to open up our minds, and make more new things, the new way it is. done with the old back with the new

i've hiatus-ed.

/ 6:02 PM

My apologies I haven't been blogging for what seems like a very long time! It truly is a long time, considering my frequency of blogging previously right.. Anyway it's because my computer is screwed up after my moving house.. Then my brother says he can only help me to fix it after his important exams end in like, APRIL.. Can die arh, so long to go.. I'm using the laptop now though.. But the connection isn't always reliable either..

Anyway, here I am again, knowing I feel like blogging, but unsure of how my blog post will develop.. The internet connection only got established just now, so I couldn't have started blogging earlier.. And then now it's almost dinnertime, so I will have to stop blogging soon.. Again need to rush through this blog post.. It's like a challenge almost every time I blog.. Haha

Today I have an off day from work.. And I stayed at home.. One whole day at home only, also difficult to tahan for someone like me.. And earlier, I was getting into this darker mood again.. Lost it somewhat now.. Wonder if it can come back, coz I had thought of things I wanted to get down while wallowing in that mood..

Hmm.. Well, first things first, I was brooding most of the afternoon because I was stuck at home.. And I was stuck at home because, well, I wasn't going out lah. 'Duh' right.. Haha.. But it is often simple as that can.. We can be moody over the simplest of problems, or even for no reason at all. And this ambiguity can go one step further, such that we know how we can try to get out of that dark mood, but we don't actually do it. And thus, I had used the phrase above, 'wallowing in that mood'..

Quote from movie, "Closer", goes like this: Depressives want to be unhappy to confirm they're depressed. If they were happy they couldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing.

With regards to the earlier sentence I said, "we can be moody over the simplest of problems, or even for no reason at all", when I asked my brother to help me fix the internet connection on the laptop for the first time, already he went "fuck". Not to me lah, but it was for voicing his frustration. It's because of his school work, I believe. He's about to graduate from NUS, and the last year is important, having to write thesis and all. Second time I asked him to help coz the connection broke off, he again went "fuck". Not once will the word not escape his mouth one leh! He can be so easily frustrated.. The frustration is like in-build already.. Studied so many years already, he has got a good academic record somemore.. How come when it comes to simple things like this, he can actually be so irrational one.. Jeez.. I hope going to uni doesn't screw me up like that.. Lolx.. I don't really mean that lah.. My bro is just the way he is.. Naturally a little frustrated in character.. Which is not how I am like, or is how I prefer to try not to be like.. Thus I can't bounce thoughts in the day and such off him.. No two-way chats or anything.. I feel like I want to be more talkative one.. But don't have outlet for expression.. Haha, sigh.. I think this constitutes some of my need to blog..

But I always still want to talk about my bro or my dad, though sometimes it is really so sian at home.. Yes, I'm using the term 'sian' once again.. Don't need to delve too much into things all the time, just being 'sian' rings true for me.. No need to overdo it by saying I'm 'miserable', 'sucidal' or what.. Haha.. 'Sian' expresses that I don't always feel actively happy about life, but neither am I sinking into the depths of chronic depression..XD And the point above still is such that, I will still want to talk about my bro or my dad.. They mean something in my life, don't they.. I'm STUCK with them ever since I was born! Lol

And speaking of my being born, I just turned twenty, which seems a bit hard to live up to! Twenty is like your first big round number, in terms of age. Nineteen years still seem fine, because it starts with the digit '1' afterall, and nothing goes below 1 in terms of years. So it's like, when you're 11 to 19 years old, you can still feel like you're not getting much older. This is not the case on turning 20.. I wonder a little about what have I experienced in all these 20 years of my life, that can -justify- my being 20.. Not much done sia.. Still studying.. Yeah, still -just- studying.. Hard to believe why this has to be so..

I need to off the laptop soon already.. Can't heat the thing up too much.. This post is not well developed leh.. I had also wanted to say things like how I sometimes don't extract myself out of my dark mood though I know I could if I were active about it.. I guess I'm not active that way, and more.. Meaning, this may be why I'm not the active party-animal kind, nor the social butterfly kind.. And I'm not pro in keeping social conversations rolling, maybe because - I'm accustomed to silence at home.

Yeah well, why do I make so much out of such issues.. Are they important, or are they not.. I may continue this train of thought next time.. Or perhaps I'll find out how to put up some quite cool pics I took with my new camera and new handphone..^o^ I need new music also sia.. Stupid computer system being down has made me unable to get new music for some time..

Forgot to add in the above relevant paragraph.. My bro still got the internet connection working for me in the end lah.. Which is why I'm blogging at all now.. His way of doing things is like that lor.. So easily frustrated, then makes me pissed also, but after that he will get whatever thing done in his wordless manner and seem somewhat good to me.. So complicated =S